Feeling worthless

Hi, Tina here. I'm pretty new at this blogging thing, but I feel it is something that will help me get my emotions out because there are many I tell ya! For as long as I can remember I've been a pretty sad person. i can't seem to find happiness inside of me. I find a ray of sunshine in a moments time, but the sun quickly sets and I'm back to where I started. I don't feel appreciated, nor do I feel special. However, i do have a man that's been chasing me for nearly 4 years now and I keep pushing him away because I'm so afraid of committment and the kind of intense love he carries for me. I've never understood him because i don't feel i ever gave him a reason to feel so deeply for me, and because I'm so afraid of committment, I find ways to be mean to him so he would go away so I don't have that on my back anymore. He keeps asking me to marry him, but I'm too afraid to go there! He makes me feel special and like I'm some kind of celebrity living a high-profile glamorous life....He's crazy for me! But yet and still it's not enough for me to feel my very best. I have a big heart and I could be the best friend anyone could possibly have. I'm there for you till the end and i wil never turn you away, but I often feel that having a good heart doesn't count for anything. I have lost suppose to be friends in the past because either they didn't appreciate me and took my friendship for granted or they didn't trust me. Either way you look at it, It sucks! I'm a loner and I spend pretty much every waking hour to myself and with myself. I know that doesn't sound healthy to others, but for me, It's all I know. it's comforting to me. i try to make things happen for me, but everybody keeps slamming doors in my face. So guess what? I 'm giving up on all my dreams because the sad story is, not all dreams see the light of day and I have to face the reality that mine just may be the ones that don't. I'm not getting any younger and I have to accept that if things haven't happened now, that they probably never will. I'm sick of feeling un important, but hey....That's life. My life. God Bless. -Tina