"The Final Frontier"......Let the fighting begin!!!!

Hello friends!

Most recently the guy I've spoken of here on my blog Juan carlos and I have been at war with each other in an internet spat through emails and I must say he's finally angry people! I've never been able to get him to see clear that us being together and engaging in marriage would be a horrible experience for both of us. For me, I would be miserable because i know I would have only married him because I had pity on him, Not because I was in love with him. A marriage like that cannot work but I could never get him to see it that way. For him he would want to be intimate and affecionate and i just don't feel that with him, so he would feel bad because he couldn't be intimate with his wife without her getting discusted by it. But now people he is angry with me because he got tired of me being mean to him, but I say it's not my fault because no one put a gun to his head to stick around and wait on me.....That, my friends was his decision. I encourged him to move on, but he refused saying he'll wait 50 more years for me if he have to, but that's retarded, no one does that! So, most recently we've been arguing over the internet exchanging bad words to each other like little kids do, but I think this is great for the simple fact that he's angry and fed up now to the point that he'll finally realize that I'm not the one his heart desires and move on and find the woman that's suitable for him and his needs. Someone that will love him back. I don't love him like that. Don't think I could ever love him like that. It's just not in my heart for him. So now, after nearly 4 years, The final Frontier has begun! The fighting and the war on words is the beginning of the end for the Juan and Tina saga. He will look elsewhere for a wife as I will look to the opposite for things that I want. It's not neccesarily a husband , but if I meet him along the way that's fine! I have many hopes and dreams I would like to accomplsh, but if it's not in the cards from God, then If I'm gonna get married, I want him to at least be someone I can be head-over-hills in love with! So hold on to your helmets my people and let the games began!!! -Tina

Photo of LEAH sent by LEAH REMINI

This is a photo of Leah Remini sent to me and received on Saturday May 24, 2008

Finding Me, Finding Freedom

You Know life can be tough and can cause a person to ask themselves some pretty complicated questions. The unexplain happens, you try to find answers, but can't because life is a mystery. They're aren't always answers to our many questions. I live a pretty blessed life, but I've also had a pretty complicated life. I've had problems, issues even trying to figure out who I am. I've never been able to stay in a relationship with anyone to experience love, except for once with my Ex-Boyfriend Corey Barlow whom I would've married if we could've seen more of each other. We had a great relationship, but other than that, I can't tolerate being in a relationship. It's too complicated. I don't want to be with any man I can't love or give my all too if i don't even love myself. You can't give love if there's problem inside of you, so with that in mind I refuse to be with any man and I especially refuse to marry one. I will continue to be single untill I can love myself and learn to understand what it is God is trying to tell me. I have to find me and understand who I am before I can give myself to another. Finding me means finding freedom, because it is then when I am set free. It is where I am free to Love myself and love someone else. I am selfish with myself at this point and I am not willing to share me with someone else. The timing is not right. It is best i stay alone so I can discover who I am in God and what I can offer to this world. Other than that I'm good where i am now. I don't want to be with anybody and that's how it is. I don't need anyone to negociate with me or make any deals to gain access to my heart. It's a waste of time. My heart is not prepared to open nor is it prepared to love. I'm ok with that. I'm content (Muy contenta) with my decision. By me standing up and listening to my heart proves that when I'm done healing I'll be ready for marriage and ready to give love to my future husband whoever that is, and whoever he may be I must feel deeply for him and connected to him spiritually and emotionally. I must enjoy conversations with him and the touch of his hands caressing my body. I must enjoy the softness of his lips pressed against mine. We must truly become one person. If all of those emotions are not there, We have no relationship. If they are, My future husband will be one lucky man because I will be all over him! I am in the midst of finding me, Finding Freedom so that I may be set free! But understand this as i do that marriage is NOT for everyone and it may not be for me. If it isn't and God is ok with it, then I'm ok with it also. Love to you all! -Tina

"The ANGELIC ONE"

And her name is MEL....

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have the dearest friend in the world! How did I get so blessed with someone so special and true? Believe it or not we met online through youtube and contrary to popular belief that online people are insane, Not all applies. Although there are lunies on the web. Not this woman. She's done more for me than my own family members have. She listens to me without judging or making me feel like I'm losing my mind or something. She's just as sweet as a sweet potato pie! i love her dearly and appreciate her friendship and all it offers to the fullest. God has ordained this friendship and I intend on holding on to it. In honor of our newfound friendship, we took a trip to Hollywood to meet and bond with each other and we were there for 4 in a half days and we had the time of our life. we felt alive there! I know I did!!! Infact, if God is willing, we are planning another trip out to L.A. next year. We're trying to make Los Angeles our annual trip. mel, so that you know that your friendship and how special you are has not gone unoticed, I'm blessed to have someone like you. Someone who believes in me when I didn't believe in myself. The angelic one who wanted to see more than anything for my dreams to come true. if that's not a friend, then I don't know who is! Hooray for Mel!!!! !(Melvetta lee tilmon-Brooks)

Juan Carlos Escobar

Yeah...That's his name! The famous Juan Carlos of whom I've spoken of in my previous post. The man that won't give up and also the man that is getting on my last nerves!!!! When it comes to the "L" word, I'm not too good at it. From since a very young age I've been somewhat of a Loner. I've had very few boyfriends and when I had them I would only do two weeks or so and then break up with them. That's because I have zero tolerance for people. I only feel comfortable being alone and not being bothered with anyone. Especially "Needy" men. A needy man frustrates the hell out of me!!! It's just easier to be alone and only be responsible for myself. Juan is the most wonderful man I've ever met. there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. he's at my beck and call. It's beautiful his love for me, but also a little annoying on some level. He only wants to please me and me only. my happiness is all he cares about. I don't know how to deal with this kind of affection. It's a little scary. He wants to marry me, but I beg to differ! I'm not sure about marriage. It's such a serious step and a serious decision. It changes your life completely. I'm not sure i want my life to change that drastically. I hate change and once I'm in a comfort zone, I hate to be removed from it. I just don't know what to do. All that flashes through my mind is giving up my freedom and having to satisfy this man everyday. Damn it! i just don't think I can do it! Es tan mucho! (It's too much!) he's lovely. He's wonderful, but I have to say that marriage is a little far fetched for me. It doesn't seem like marriage is for me. Afterall, it's not for everyone. I am so set in my ways and i don't want to change it for some man. I think If I married him and i discover I didn't like being married that I would consider divorcing him. I don't stick around for anything or any situation I'm not comfortable in. I don't like it, I get rid of it! Sometimes i think of marrying him, but soon afterwards, I think to myself, Hell no!!! Only time will tell. My concern is maybe I'm not attracted to him. I mean why else don't I like him touching me or kissing me, or even hugging me unless I wasn't physically attracted to him? I mean if I were dating someone i was mentally and physically attracted to, I would hug him and kiss him as much as he would to me. It would be equal, but something in me doesn't feel that with juan. It could be fear. It could be that i just don't feel enough for him to be with him. I ask myself that everyday why I don't like him touching me. I don't really have an answer for that exactly. I guess one can only imagine. I don't like to disrespect juan or make him feel bad, but I speak the truth and if you ask me to tell you the truth, I will and you may not like it but that's the way love goes. well, this all I have ton say about this man in whom I don't quite understand his love for me. Untill next time, ciao!

LEAH REMINI (Former friend of mine)

Hello my precious friends! Wow! take a look at this picture of leah remini. I chose this picture for this story because this is one of the pictures from back in the day from when I was first introduced to her from her start on "Living Dolls". When I first saw Leah on "Whos the Boss" I thought she was hilarious! I thought to myself; She can't be acting, This is who she is in real life because her role didn't seem like acting to me, it just seem like someone being herself on television. I was instantly drawn to her and personality. So by the time "Living Dolls" was in sindication I found an address for "Living Dolls" and I wrote to her fast and within weeks I received a personal response from her! I was on cloud 9 that glorious day. I showed that picture off and everyone was so envious of me back then. I felt proud! Much to my surprise, her note to me suggested that we stay in touch...Now talk about turning flips and flipping out!! and from that moment on we kept in touch writing each other daily and eventually bumped up to talking on the phone. It was the best friendship I had in years because most of my friends, or lack thereof. didn't appreciate me or ook me for granted. i never asked for a friendship with Ms. remini, but I certaintly wasn't complaining. I acyually thanked God for that friendship because I didn't know what I did to deserve such a valueable thing. Eventually our friendship grew to what I described as "Sisterhood". Her fame or quote on quote "Title"n Hollywood was a thing of the past. I gained something from her I didn't see coming. We had little nicknames for each other and everything. I was "cookie" and she was "pip squeak". She meant alot to me. friendship is everything to me and I had that from her and that's all I needed. fame means nothing, Family and Friends do. Well, things took a turn for the worst when I went to Los Angeles for my 25th birthday present courtesy of my sister Greta. She knew it was my dream to go to Los Angeles and bought me a ticket there for a belated birthday present. I, of course alerted leah of my upcoming visit and she seemed excited, but I'm not really sure. We made plans to meet for the first time after keeping in touch for nearly 10 years. When I met her for the first time I was nervous, but I also felt like i was simply having lunch with a friend for brunch or something.....It was great! we had lunch. we talked. we laughed. The greatest moment of my life. She invited us to the set to "The King of Queens" to watch her rehearse, but that never happened because we couldn't seem to get in contact with her by the next day and she never called us either, so that was bummer for me, but we found something else to do instead. I thought to myself that maybe she'll call me at the hotel to let me know what happened. Nah, didn't happen that way. it wasn't untill the next day which was a sunday when i called her...It was then when she told me it was a closed set and that we couldn't come. well, I'm thinking that means nothing to me now, but I just brushed it off because i was feeling myself getting frustrated. so, I think asked what were gonna do that day and I told her that we were going to venice beach and she said cool she was gonna be there too, so we made plans to meet at a certain time. When we arrived at venice beach, I called leah on her cellphone to tell her we were there. she asked the location and told her. She replied, "If you're there, then you can't be where I am. She said to hurry because she had to leave by 2:00 I think, but I thought she should've come to us because we're new in L.A.. We didn't know our way around. She lives there so she should have come to the location we were at. So bing the desperate person i was, we seeked out leah but never could find her. i felt myself getting upset and emotional because I really wanted a picture with her because I didn't think of it a couple of days before, so i was looking forward to it. Since we didn't meet that day at Venice, i thought. well, If I'm someone Important to her, then she'll call me at the hotel to ask what happened......NEVER HAPPENED!!!! That was the point where I got really, really upset cause in my mind, i thought she didn't really care about me or thought of me as a friend as I thought. My heart began to feel heavy and weak. I cried. I threw things. i was deeply hurt. While in L.A., My eyes were open. I began to realize that we would we never be normal friends because somewhere in the back her mind she would doubt my sincerity, my friendship, My motive. I thought she'll never think of me as a real friend. It's not like when she's on hiatus from her show that she'll come visit me or invite me to visit with her. I felt that people were putting things in her head about me maybe making her doubt me. I don't feel Leah really listened to her own heart. Sometimes we can listen to so many negative things people put in our heads about others, tha we don't take the time to listen to what our own hearts are sying to us. I guarantee you that if leah had done that, things would be different between us now. I made the decision to let her go. You know that saying "If you love someone, let them go"? Well, I made the decision to let Leah and our friendship go because loved her enough to do so. I couldn't stand the thought of someone so precious to me even thinking the worst of me.I know I am a humble, loving, caring, kind-hearted human being and know I would never hurt anyone and especially a dear friend like leah. so I thought let me release any fears she may have about me or potential doubts put in her head about me and let her go. I hold no grudge to leah at all. I still luv her, but I don't bother. It doesn't mean i don't miss her. I did what I did out of love and what i thought was best for both of us. it was a hard decision to make because we had kept in touch for so long. But I didn't want her to think of me in a negative way and i accepted the fact that she would never do normal things with me as long as i wasn't in the entertainment business. it's easy for celebrities to be friends with other celebrities because they know that person is in the same business and ha no motive whereas, fan verses celebrity, They have to look over their shoulders wondering if we're real with them or not. I thought, it wasn't worth it anymore. Lunatics make It hard on us normal people who do have our brains intact to be trusted. It sucks. But in closing, i don't regret my friendship with Ms. leah remini. She's a wonderful person. She brought a smile to my face when no one else could. Our friendship was a blessing and i wish her many blessings with her friendships today. Friends are one-in-a million. When you find that "ONE", hold on to him or her and thank God for that blessing. It's important....really! Leah, if you ever read this, I wish you. your friends and family much happiness and many blessings. Hope my friends enjoy this story. Thankfully, it's set to private so not the whole world knows my bizness....U know what I'm saying! Lol! Untill next time, ciao!
-Tina

Beautiful Roselyn Sanchez!!!

Ms. Roselyn Sanchez!

I adore her so much! So Gorgeous! Hate her!!!

Never knew I could hurt like this

Hi Everybody. Well I'm back again to share my feelings with you all. Wow, living in a world where you don't even know your purpose, or why God placed you here. People, these are my thoughts exactly about my own life. I am grateful to be alive and well so don't get me wrong. But there are other things in life that can hinder you from true happiness. Sometimes you know what's standing in your way and other times it's just a mystery. I can honestly say I don't know what I'm here for. I don't know my purpose. I just live from day to day. After recently making the decision to give up my dreams, I never knew I could hurt like this. I feel so empty without them. I feel like a zombie unaware of my surroundings or what's in front of me. I must say that it was a hard decision to make, but are trying to accomplish my dreams really worth me breaking my heart each time I make an attempt to make them happen and have yet another door slammed in my face? Is it really worth the pain? I don't think so. I'm tired of hurting and the rejection I receive daily. Humf! I guess my title proves relevant that I never knew I could hurt like this. The pain inside me stings like a bee stung me and we all know a bees sting can linger. Well, this is it for now. ihope you enjoy.

all photos of me taken by me!

my little niece koko....she was 2 here. will be 4 in july! My angel!

Roselyn Sanchez("Without A Trace") Gotta luv her!

Me in Black & White

This is actress Roselyn Sanchez. I think she is an awesome actress and so gorgeous! I hate her!!!
Two gorgeous ladies! Nah, only one is gorgeous......Roselyn Sanchez!!!

I Love the intensity in my face.

Confused and Scared

Hey there! It's me again. man i tell ya I need you guys help. Ok here's the story. I grew up a very nervous and scary child. (Don't ask me why). but life was scary trying new things I found to be so scary as well. I guess the unknown or maybe moving out of my comfort zone didn't work well with me. But growing up, I saw alot of things a kid shouldn't see or have to deal with in their childhood. I saw within my own home physical and domestic abuse. I saw it in my own neighborhood, but I think having in mind that I was already a scared, timid and nervous child that somehow seeing the abuse scarred me for the future. Allow me to enlighten you. I have a man that loves me with all that's in him but I am petrified of being with him and marrying him much to his hearts desire. Once in a blue moon, i feel like i want to be with him, but that swiftly changes because of the fear i carry within me. Not only that, but I'm a "Loner". I love being alone and by myself. It's all I know and I'm comfortable with it. The problem is, He's a very affectinate man and expresses his feeling alot to me. I'm not very expressive with him at all! It just feels wierd. No matter what he won't give up on me and he's been after me for nearly four years now. What do I do? and don't tell me to follow my heart people because I'm too scared to even know what my heart is telling me. This sucks! Sometimes I wish he would just go away and call it a day, but other times I ask myself am I making a mistake. what do you guys think?

Feeling worthless

Hi, Tina here. I'm pretty new at this blogging thing, but I feel it is something that will help me get my emotions out because there are many I tell ya! For as long as I can remember I've been a pretty sad person. i can't seem to find happiness inside of me. I find a ray of sunshine in a moments time, but the sun quickly sets and I'm back to where I started. I don't feel appreciated, nor do I feel special. However, i do have a man that's been chasing me for nearly 4 years now and I keep pushing him away because I'm so afraid of committment and the kind of intense love he carries for me. I've never understood him because i don't feel i ever gave him a reason to feel so deeply for me, and because I'm so afraid of committment, I find ways to be mean to him so he would go away so I don't have that on my back anymore. He keeps asking me to marry him, but I'm too afraid to go there! He makes me feel special and like I'm some kind of celebrity living a high-profile glamorous life....He's crazy for me! But yet and still it's not enough for me to feel my very best. I have a big heart and I could be the best friend anyone could possibly have. I'm there for you till the end and i wil never turn you away, but I often feel that having a good heart doesn't count for anything. I have lost suppose to be friends in the past because either they didn't appreciate me and took my friendship for granted or they didn't trust me. Either way you look at it, It sucks! I'm a loner and I spend pretty much every waking hour to myself and with myself. I know that doesn't sound healthy to others, but for me, It's all I know. it's comforting to me. i try to make things happen for me, but everybody keeps slamming doors in my face. So guess what? I 'm giving up on all my dreams because the sad story is, not all dreams see the light of day and I have to face the reality that mine just may be the ones that don't. I'm not getting any younger and I have to accept that if things haven't happened now, that they probably never will. I'm sick of feeling un important, but hey....That's life. My life. God Bless. -Tina